The Prince And The Porpoise
by WensleydaleCheddar
Summary: South Park Aargh #05 - Episode 817. Token wonders how things would change if he had a family like Kenny, so they decide to switch roles. Kyle worries that he has become racist. Meanwhile, Fiona encounters a new problem in the school cafeteria and Wendy tries to teach everyone some facts about sea mammals. Rated T for whom the bell tolls. Updated on Saturdays.
1. Contintuity Sucks, So Token's Rich Again

_**Hel-lo, I'm Wensleydale Cheddar. I rip off catchphrases so you don't have to! …Okay, that's the last time I'm using this phrase. Welcome to the new episode of South Park Aargh. I know you waited a long time for this, if you're still interested, that is. But if you're not, you probably aren't even reading this, unless you're reading my fics for the first time, but it's not the pilot episode, so that's probably not the case…**_

…_**Anyway, I promised some of you, by which I mean you, who have read "People Spouting Howdy Neighbour", a Zetaboards SPA forum. Although I still recommend the more global and popular South Park Land, run by Doingyourmom and Coyote Smith. You can find the link to their board on my site. The address is as follows: w11(d-o-t)zetaboards**__**(d-o-t)**_com(slash)SouthParkAargh(slash)index(slash)

_**Replace the dots and slashes with the actual stuff and you'll get there. I don't know if I'm risking being deleted or not, but I'm already drawing the line with posting almost all my fics in script format, so… Oh, right, I almost forgot!**_

_**The story is written in the form of a script, to maintain the similarity to the original show. Kenny's lines are between brackets to indicate that they are muffled. Cartman's tendency to say "kewl" instead of "cool" is also maintained. I've decided to give Fiona an even stronger Scottish accent, so if it is difficult to read, please inform me.**_

_**Since I haven't got deleted yet, I hereby thank this site for understanding that format isn't the synonym of quality.**_

_**So, without further ado, let's move on to the 8**__**th**__** season's finale.**_

* * *

_[The opening sequence – the one from the 8__th__ season. The music plays the third, country-style title theme]_

**Les Claypool:** I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time.

**Kyle + Stan:** Friendly faces everywhere, humble folks without temptation!

**Les Claypool:** I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind.

**Cartman:** Ample Parking Day or Night, people spouting, "Howdy, Neighbor"!

**Les Claypool:** I'm headin' down to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind.

**Butters: **Loo, loo, loo, I've got some apples, loo, loo, loo, you've got some too!

**Les Claypool: **So come on down to South Park, and meet some friends of mine.

**SOUTH PARK AARGH: Episode 817/ #05 – The Prince And The Porpoise**

* * *

_[The episode begins with a view of a wooden fence which appears to be located between Stan's and Fiona's houses. The boys and some of their classmates are playing volleyball with the fence acting as a net. We see Kenny __approaching them from the street]_

**KENNY**: (Hey, guys, what's going on?)

**STAN**: Our dads put up this fence so that they wouldn't see each other that often. Wanna play volleyball with us?

**KENNY**: (No way, dude, that's a girls' sport! Who brought the ball?

**BUTTERS**: Uh, I think Clyde did.

**KENNY**: (Oh. Clyde?)

**CLYDE**: Yeah?

**KENNY**: (You're a fag.)

**CLYDE**: _[Thinks. He answers after a moment of silence] _…No, I'm not!

_[Meanwhile, Cartman serves the ball. It hits Clyde on the head while he's looking at Kenny. He falls over]_

**CARTMAN**: _[bursts into laughter] _Hahahahah! Did you guys see that?

**STAN**: _[sighs] _Get up, Clyde. You gotta pay attention, dude.

**JASON**: He's right, you know? Attention is important.

**TOKEN**: Actually, volleyball's not so gay. A lot of guys from Europe I know play it.

**KENNY**: (Well, a lot of guys from Europe are fags.)

**FIONA**: Oy! That wasnae nice!

_[Walter Darling and Randy Marsh come out of their homes at the same time]_

**WALTER**: I say, Fiona, what's happening?

**RANDY**: Staaan? Staaan! What's going on, Stan?

**STAN**: We're having a volleyball match, dad. Please, stay out of this.

**FIONA**: …Whit he said.

**WALTER**: Oh, jolly good. Why can't you play proper sports, like polo or cricket?

**RANDY**: You're only saying that because you're afraid my son's team will whoop your daughter's ass!

**WALTER**: For your information, Randy, we say "smash her bottom" down here! And how exactly is he going to do that when he doesn't even know how to play the game? Look at the way he's serving!

**STAN**: _[to himself] _I don't like where this is going…

**RANDY**: Come on, Stan, let's show this English prick how the Marshes play. Soon, those guys will be squealing and hiding like porpoises in their shells!

**WENDY**: What? Mr. Marsh, porpoises don't have shells!

**STAN**: Nobody asked you, Wendy.

**ANNIE**: She's right… though. Porpoises… are fish and fish don't have… shells.

**WENDY**: Porpoises aren't fish, they're sea mammals! Jesus Christ, Annie, you really didn't know that?!

**ANNIE**: Are they? _[timidly]_ I'm ever so… sorry.

_[There is a moment of silence]_

**RANDY**: _[enthusiastically] _All right, let's do this!

_[He serves the ball. It hits Fiona on the other side with a powerful blow and hits the fence again__with a ricochet. One of the wooden planks comes loose]_

**FIONA**: _[falls over] _Ow!

**WALTER**: You blithering idiot, now look what you did! It was a perfectly good fence and you ruined it!

**RANDY**: It's all right, Darling, you can get it fixed, gawd!

**WALTER**: Me? You were the one who broke it!

**FIONA**: Uh… Dad, Ah 'hink thare's omething' wrang wit' me arm!

**WALTER**: Not now, Fiona, your father is busy dealing with this American. _[spits]_

**RANDY**: Well, technically, I didn't break it. It bounced back from your daughter.

**WALTER**: That's the most ridiculous excuse I've ever heard!

**STAN**: _[to the kids, while the two neighbours continue to argue in the background] _This can go on for a long time… I'd go home if I were you guys.

_[The children nod and slowly scatter in all directions]_

**RANDY**: …Fine! I'll see you in court, Darling!

**WALTER**: Don't call me Darling!

_[Finally, only Fiona remains outside, wounded]_

**FIONA**: Lads? Can anyone help?

* * *

_[We cut to Token and Kenny walking home]_

**KENNY**: (So you've got a bus stop over there, right?)

**TOKEN**: Yeah, what about you?

**KENNY**: (Well, I live right here.)

_[He points at the McCormick residence. They can hear noises coming out from the house]_

**STUART'S VOICE**: Give me back my beer, bitch!

**CAROL'S VOICE**: Not until y' get a job, y' drunken piece of shit!

_[The shouting continues. Kenny pinches the bridge of his nose, clearly embarrassed]_

**KENNY**: (Jesus Christ…)

**TOKEN**: Whoa, dude. Are these your parents?

**KENNY**: (Yeah, sorry about that. They get up to this every now and then… I'd better go now… There's dinner waiting for me… Couple of pop-tarts and a glass of muddy water…)

_[He walks a few steps home. Token thinks for a second, then stops him]_

**TOKEN**: Hey, whoa. Tell you what, Kenny, my parents aren't having anyone over for dinner tonight, maybe you'd like to come round?

**KENNY**: (You're… offering me to eat at your house? For free?)

**TOKEN**: Well, yeah. Of course, if you don't wanna come…

_[Kenny pushes him to the bus stop and accompanies him, patting him on the back]_

**KENNY**: _[grins under his parka] _(I've got a feeling, Token, that we're gonna become best friends ever!)

* * *

_[Token's room. Kenny is lying on Token's big bed and stroking his own full belly while Token is inserting a game into his X-box._

**KENNY**: (Man, I haven't been this stuffed for years! Your mom is a wonderful cook!)

**TOKEN**: Thanks, but it's not my mom's. We have our own French cook.

**KENNY**: (Your own cook? Man, you're lucky… How is it that you have all your stuff back? I thought you were robbed last week or something?)

**TOKEN**: Yeah, my dad invested the money he got from selling our house in this thing called Status Quo. And it paid off.

**KENNY**: (Huh, I wish my family had something to invest… Man, you're so lucky to have such a big house!)

**TOKEN**: _[raises an eyebrow] _I would've been more lucky if you hadn't taken away my plate back then.

**KENNY**: _[scratches the back of his head, slightly embarrassed] _(Yeah, sorry about that… I'm just used to fighting over food with my brother.)

**TOKEN**: Really? That's gotta be fun.

**KENNY**: _[sighs] _(Well, it would be… If he weren't bigger and stronger and didn't win all the time…)

**TOKEN**: Huh… Fighting over food… It wouldn't do here at all… Everything has to be proper and perfect and in place… It gets so fucking boring here… And the worst part is I live so far away from my friends that the only time I get to see them is at school…

**KENNY**: (What are you talking about? This place is amazing! You of all people have no right to complain! You get three heavenly courses for dinner, you have plasma TV, channels from all over the world, three rooms just for yourself, X-box, all the video games I could only dream of and you still say it's boring here?!)

**TOKEN**: Yeah! Is it really so difficult to believe I'd like to be you?

**KENNY**: (What?! Why?)

**TOKEN**: You have a great relationship with people. They like you for who you are, not for how much money you have. You have three friends you've been hanging around with since forever! And you've got a brother and sister. I never knew what that's like.

**KENNY**: (Wow. I guess one always wants to be someone else…)

**TOKEN**: Yeah… _[Thinks for a second, then comes up with an idea] _Hey, Kenny… Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

**KENNY**: (Well, that depends. Are you thinking about how well-shaped Sally Darson's boobs might be in a few years time?)

**TOKEN**: Uh… No. I was wondering… I'd like to be like you and you'd like to be like me… And we kind of have similar faces, right?

**KENNY**: (We do?)

**TOKEN**: Haven't you noticed?

**KENNY**: (I probably would… But I don't look at the mirror that much… Ours is cracked and filthy and stuff.)

**TOKEN**: So anyway… How about we change places for a few days? You'll be Token and I'll be Kenny.

**KENNY**: (You think no-one will notice?)

**TOKEN**: Why should they? Similar faces, remember?

**KENNY**: _[grins] _(You know what? You got me! That'll be kinda fun, it's a deal! Are we gonna start now?)

**TOKEN**: Yeah! We'd better change our clothes. Then I'll say goodbye to my parents as you and I'll go to your home. Just think how much fun it's going to be tomorrow at school…

**KENNY**: (Yeah! Woo-hoo!)

* * *

_**Read, review and visit the forum to find the poster images for SPA episodes. By the way, if you speak Spanish, also check Coyote Smith's works. That's all from me for today.**_

_**WDC**_


	2. I Learnt The Word Phylum For The Chapter

_**Thanks for the reviews, you guys, I hope you'll stay tuned. And as I have nothing really to say in this author note and my good friend and fellow writer told me he was having some difficulties in understanding Fiona's accent, I decided to translate some of her random expressions:**_

_**ken = know  
bairn = kid  
lad = guy  
lass = girl  
aye = yes  
frae = from  
sae = so  
tae = to  
tay = too  
yoo're = you're  
whit = what  
whare, thare, whaur, thaur = where, there  
ain = own  
abit = about**_

_**Although when you're a native English speaker, it's probably pretty obvious, it's much less easy when you're a foreigner. I'm one myself, so I should know best. So, if anyone else finds her lines confusing, let me know and I'll fill up some more space in the next chapter. But now, back to the fic if you hadn't already skipped this note.**_

* * *

_[Next day, early morning. We see Stan walking to the bus stop and Fiona following him. They stop next to Kenny's house]_

**FIONA**: Ah still can't see why we hae tae gae aw this way tae Bonanza Street at this time in th' mornin' when there's a perfectly guid one reit hare.

**STAN**: Dude, there are a couple of reasons. _[knocks three times on Kenny's window] _Kenny? _[knocks three times]_ Kenny? _[knocks three times]_ Kenny?

**FIONA**:Ah mean, be fair! it's a much longer way fur aw o' us an' only Kyle an' Cartman bide thare.

**STAN**: Since when do you consider yourself one of "us"? _[knocks three times]_ Kenny?_ [knocks three times]_ Kenny?_ [knocks three times]_ Kenny?

**FIONA**: Ah think we shoods boycott these lads an' use uir ain bus stop.

**STAN**: Dude, we can't, it's occupied. _[knocks three times]_ Kenny, wake up!

**FIONA**: _[smirks] _Ooh, uir football star is afraid o' some wee lads? Ah didnae expect 'at frae ye.

**STAN**: Fine, then why don't you go, Fione?

**FIONA**: Perhaps Ah will!

**STAN**: Fine! Go away!

_[Stan continues to knock on the door. __Fiona hesitates]_

**FIONA**: Aa'm gaein', Stan! Yoo're nae gonnae stop me!

**STAN**: I wasn't going to! _[pinches the bridge of his nose] _Go!

**FIONA**: Aye, then. _[Walks away. Comes back a second later] _Ye sure ye dorn't want tae...

**STAN**: FIONE, FUCK OFF!

**FIONA**: _[afraid, runs away] _Aaaaah!

**STAN**: _[sighs] _Ah, that's better.

_[Finally, Token appears in the McCormicks' home doorway, dressed in Kenny's orange parka. He seems not to have slept all night. Stan doesn't react in any way when he sees his friend with a different skin colour]_

**STAN**: Oh, hey, Kenny.

**TOKEN**: _[in a muffled voice, but with a more gruff pitch] _(Uh… Hey, Stan.)

**STAN**: Dude, what's wrong with your voice?

**TOKEN**: (…I have a cold.)

**STAN**: _[seems convinced] _Ah, okay. Let's go get Kyle. I heard the bus stop runs early these days.

**TOKEN**: (Okay.)

* * *

_[Fiona arrives at the Avenue des los Mexicanos bus stop. We see Butters, Pip and Dougie singing and dancing to the Merry Tune of Stratford. Fiona is quite confused]_

**FIONA**: Uh... Whit ur ye lads daein'?

**PIP**: Oh, cheerio, Fiona! Would you care to join us for a dance to the Merry Tune of Stratford?

**FIONA**: Uh... Nae, cheers, mebbe anither time.

**BUTTERS**: Uh, are you sure, Fiona? It's real fun!

**FIONA**: Aye, Aa'm pretty bleedin' sure.

**PIP**: Oh, dear, what a damn shame… But remember, if you wish to join in, just pop me a word! _[They return to singing and dancing]_

**FIONA**: _[to herself] _Aye, Pip, A'll pop ye somethin' aw reit...

* * *

_[The bus stop. Kyle and Cartman are waiting for the bus, arguing]_

**CARTMAN**: …And now you see, Kahl, why the Jewish population is responsible for all deaths throughout the last decade.

**KYLE**: You just made that all up yourself, fatass!

**CARTMAN**: Oh, really? Then do you have any proof, Jewboy?

**KYLE**: I don't need proof, Cartman, it is you who should have some proof before coming up with such filthy accusations!

_[Stan and Token, still disguised as Kenny, arrive beside the two boys]_

**STAN**: Hey, dudes.

_[The two rivals stare at Token, both open-mouthed. Cartman soon grins, chuckles and bursts into laughter]_

**CARTMAN**: Pfff… Hahahah! Oh, Jesus! _[continues to laugh]_

**KYLE**: _[glares at him] _This isn't funny, fatass! _[to Token] _Dude, what the hell are you doing?

_[Token looks unsure, but says nothing]_

**STAN**: _[seems confused] _Doing what?

**KYLE**: _[raises an eyebrow] _You don't see it?

**STAN**: See what?

_[Cartman continues to roll on the snow laughing. The other boys give him a glance, but quickly return to their conversation]_

**KYLE**: Oh, come on! It's pretty obvious, isn't it?

**STAN**: Kyle, I don't know what you're talking about!

**CARTMAN**: Oh, man, this is so fucking hilarious! Hahahahahah! _[stands up, wipes his tears of laughter, then looks at Token, points his finger at him and starts laughing again]_

_[In the meantime, the bus has arrived. It's now driven by Mr. Venezuela. Stan enters the bus, followed by a confused Kyle. Cartman is still laughing at Token. Kyle frowns at the obese boy]_

**KYLE**: Shut your goddamn mouth, fatass!

**CARTMAN**: Ay, I'm not fat, Jew!

**MR. VENEZUELA**: _[starts speaking Spanish] _¡Por favor, sentaos y callaos, chicos!

**STAN**: _[speaks Spanish with a clear American accent] _Sí, sí, claro, callate, cabrón.

**VENEZUELA**: ¿¡Qué has dicho!?

**STAN**: Dije que adoro a Brian Boitano, el campeón.

**VENEZUELA**: Ah. Yo también.

* * *

_[The classroom. __The children slowly settle down as Mr. Garrison comes in. Token sits down in his usual seat. Kyle stares at him carefully]_

**GARRISON**: Okay, children, let's take our seats… Now today, we'll be doing some math problems. I would like you to tell me how much semen was left in Bill Clinton's balls given that Monica Lewinsky sucked out 15 millilitres and three landed on her dress… Who could solve this equation for me? Okay, anyone besides you, Wendy.

_[We cut to Wendy raising her hand]_

**WENDY**: No, it's something different. Can I ask you something? Because the others won't believe me.

**GARRISON**: _[sighs] _Fire away, sweetheart.

**WENDY**: Which phylum do porpoises belong to?

**GARRISON**: …Fish, why do you ask?

**WENDY**: _[under her breath] _Goddamnit…

**GARRISON**: Now who could solve this equation for me? _[glances through his notebook] _Token?

**RED**: Mr. Garrison? I think Token is absent today.

**KYLE**: _[folds his arms] _Oh, you've gotta be kidding me!

_[Cartman chuckles and bursts into laughter again]_

**GARRISON**: Eric, is there a problem?

**CARTMAN**: _[wipes his tears, still chuckling] _…None at all… None at all, Mr. Garrison! _[bursts into laughter again]_ Okay, okay, I'm finished now! _[tries to contain himself]_

**GARRISON**: All right, now who could solve this equation for me? Kenny?

_[Token stands up. Cartman starts to have hysterics again]_

**GARRISON**: _[glaring] _I swear it, Eric, if you don't calm down, I'm gonna send you to the principal's office!

**CARTMAN**: Okay, okay, I'm calm now!

_[Silence. Kenny, dressed as Token, enters. He is wearing his purple "T" sweater and his face is painted black. His hair is still blond, though. Cartman tries to contain his laughter, but fails]_

**KENNY**: _[in his gruff Mysterion voice] _Hello, Mr. Garrison. Sorry I'm late.

**GARRISON**: It's all right, take your seat. Say, Token, what's happened to your voice?

**KENNY**: _[after a moment of silence] _…I have a cold.

**GARRISON**: Oh. That's all right, then.

**CARTMAN**: A cold, he says! Hahahahah!

**KYLE**: Oh, come on! You people really don't recognize him?!

**BEBE**: Recognize who?

**TOKEN**: (Yeah, dude, it's just Token.)

_[While Cartman continues to laugh, Kyle glares and grits his teeth at the rich boy]_

**CARTMAN**: _[laughing] _Yeah, Kahl, what's up with yew? It's just Token! Hahahahahah!

**KYLE**: Shut your fucking mouth, Cartman!

**GARRISON**: _[angrily] _That's it, I warned you, Eric, go to the principal's office! You too, Kyle! I won't have you swearing in my class!

**KYLE**: Dammit! _[He follows Cartman, then stops beside Kenny] _Mr. Garrison, Token just called me a fucking faggot!

**KENNY**: _[in his normal, unmuffled, high-pitched voice] _Hey! _[looks around, noticing some surprised faces] _Er, I meant _[in his Mysterion voice] _Hey!

**GARRISON**: Well, I must say I am surprised to hear such homophobic remarks from one of our top students! You're going to the principal's office, too.

_[The three boys leave the classroom. Butters raises his hand]_

**BUTTERS**: Mr. Garrison, I think I c-can solve the equation, but I have one tiny question…

**GARRISON**: Go on.

**BUTTERS**: What's semen?

* * *

_[The corridor outside Principal Victioria's office. Cartman and Kenny sit down, the former still chuckling while looking at the poor boy. Kyle points his finger accusingly at the latter]_

**KYLE**: All right, Kenny, you will tell me right here and now what you're planning!

**KENNY**: _[in his normal voice] _Aw, fuck it, you saw through my disguise?

**KYLE**: Disguise? Kenny, you didn't even bother to dye your hair, any idiot could see through that! Why are you doing this, anyway?

**KENNY**: Look, dude, Token's the richest kid in South Park. He wanted to see how I lived and I finally wanted to fill my stomach for once. Is that so bad?

**KYLE**: Well, yeah, but isn't it kind of unfair for Token?

**KENNY**: Why? He gets what he wanted.

**KYLE**: Maybe he doesn't know what he'll get. Did you tell him how bad things are at your place? You did, didn't you? _[Kenny looks down] _You didn't?!

**KENNY**: Uh, it doesn't change the fact that it's none of your business, Kyle! Look, Token could use some slice of real life and I could use some luxury! We're both happy with our private arrangement so just stay out of it, okay?

**KYLE**: Dude, this is an hare-brained scheme! How could you possibly impersonate Token when you're not even black?

**KENNY**: …But nobody seems to have recognized me, only you guys.

**KYLE**: That's what I can't understand! Why the hell can't they see it? Either they're pretending or just stupid!

**CARTMAN**: Or they just aren't Jew rats.

**KYLE**: Don't you jump in this, you racist bastard!

**CARTMAN**: _[smirks and points his finger at the Jewish boy] _Racist bastard, eh? Don't you think you're just insulting yourself?

**KYLE**: _[raises an eyebrow]_ What do you mean?

**CARTMAN**: You see, Kahl, the others don't see a difference between a black and white Kinney. They judge him by the contents of his character, or some other crap. But I see the difference. And you do, too, Kahl. And that means that deep down in your cold, Jewish heart you're just as racist as I am. _[He pokes Kyle's chest with his index finger. Kyle opens his mouth] _You see the truth, Kahl. Think about it.

_[Kyle looks down, frowning, not knowing how to respond. Kenny breaks the silence]_

**KENNY**: Look, you guys, don't tell anyone. It won't hurt to experiment and it's just a week.

* * *

_**For all of you loyal readers who want Fiona killed, I do apologize that the injury from the last chapter seems to be nothing serious now.**_

_**Looks like Garrison is actually learning from Mr Slave and actually teaching kids math problems, wow… But all jokes aside, it seems ages since we last had an episode with this character. And it's even more confusing, given that we see Mackey all the time and Garrison's ten times as complex as he is. I mean, Mackey's whole inconsistent personality is built on his one catchphrase… okay, it's becoming a rant. Want to see more of those? Join our forums, which you can find on my profile.**_

_**WDC**_


	3. Shoes Are Serious Business

_**Hello there. Sorry for not updating yesterday, I had an unexpected visit from my obnoxious co-writer of another project of mine… But he finally did write something after six months, so yay! Thanks for all the reviews, I'll be sure to update on time next Saturday.**_

* * *

_[The boys, Butters, Token in Kenny's disguise, Fiona, Craig and Clyde are walking with their trays to their table in the school cafeteria]_

**FIONA**: An' A've coonted aw A've spent oan fuid monthly, divided it aw by tois an' added th' energy used by scullery appliances, compared it wi' th' monthly fuid price hare an' it seems it's twice as cheap hare!

**STAN**: _[uninterested] _That's nice, Fione.

**FIONA**: Ah can't believe A've bin eatin' at haem when thare's such a bargain hare! Aa'm gonnae eat hare frae noo on.

**STAN**: Yeah, dude, fascinating. And what were you saying, Cartman?

**CARTMAN**: We have to kill Principal Victoria.

**TOKEN**: _[under Kenny's parka] _(Why? What did she do to you?)

**CARTMAN**: That bitch called mah meehm and told me to stay in tomorrow during recess, Tokinny. _[chuckles a little] _Heheh, Tokinny! _[laughs]_

_[Kenny punches Cartman in the arm. The fat boy glares. The boys proceed to sit down at their usual table, Stan, Kyle, Token and Cartman on one side and Butters, Kenny, Craig and Clyde on the other. Fiona stops for a second and tries to sit beside Cartman]_

**CARTMAN**: Whoa, whoa, the fuck is this? What the fuck are you doing, Feehna?!

**FIONA**: Tryin' tae sit doon, why?

**CARTMAN**: _[as if it was something obvious]_ Buh- sit down? You can't sit down here with us, bitch, you're not one of us!

**FIONA**: Whit dae ye want me tae dae tae become ain o' ye? A've only bin hangin' aroond wi' ye, Ah don't ken anyain else!

**CARTMAN**: I can give you some more reasons! You're Scotch, you're an ogre and moreover, you're a ginger traitor!

**STAN**: _[nods] _You kind of did cheat on us by going to that other bus stop.

**BUTTERS**: Uh, we had a lot of fun, though! We were dancin' to the merry tune of Stratford! _[Fiona's eyes widen in panic. She hits him in the shoulder]_ Ow! Gee, Fiona, what did you do that for?

**CLYDE**: Look, Fiona, we don't have a free spot. Can't you go somewhere else? Me, Jimmy, Craig and Token change places every now and then.

**FIONA**: Eh? But Ah don't ken anyain else!

**BUTTERS**: Uh, well, maybe this can be an opportunity for you to meet new people.

**FIONA**: Ah can't meit new people! Ah haven't properly mit ye yet! _[points at Clyde]_

**KYLE**: _[sighs]_ I'm gonna go see Chef for a sec. _[Stands up and walks away. The others follow him with their eyes]_

**STAN**: _[after a moment of silence] _Isn't Kyle acting a little weird today?

**FIONA**: _[with a glimmer of hope in her eyes] _Can Ah tak' his seat, then?

**STAN**: _[frowns] _No! _[Fiona looks down]_

**KENNY**: Maybe you can sit with the girls. You hang out with us all the time, people are starting to think that you're a dyke.

**CARTMAN**: That's right, Feehna, go and sit with smelly chicks like yourself!

**FIONA**: _[shrugs] _Aye, 'en. Ah suppose tryin' can't hurt, can it? Cheers, Token.

_[Cartman chuckles]_

* * *

_[The scene cuts to Kyle making his way through the cafeteria, the kids in line glaring at him. He finally reaches Chef who waves at him with his spatula]_

**CHEF**: Hello there, children.

**KYLE**: Hey, Chef.

**CHEF**: How's it goin'?

**KYLE**: Bad.

**CHEF**: Why bad?

**KYLE**: Chef, am I racist?

**CHEF**: What? Kyle, you're one of the most tolerant children I know, what made you think that?

**KYLE**: It's just that… Kenny and Token switched places to see how each other's lives would look like and me and Cartman are the only ones who can see through it. I've been taught that the color of your skin doesn't matter, that it makes no difference, but then I can't help noticing they look different.

**CHEF**: _[frowns] _Oh, children, children, I think someone needs a lesson! Bring those two children to me tomorrow and I'll have a word with them!

* * *

_[W cut to the girls' table. There is one free seat, the others are occupied by Annie, Red, Esther and Jenny on one side and Wendy, Bebe and Heidi on the other]_

**WENDY**: _[irritated] _You guys, I'm serious, it's common knowledge!

**BEBE**: What's the big deal, Wendy?

**WENDY**: Bebe, you want to be a marine biologist, you especially should know that porpoises are sea mammals!

**RED**: You know, I've always been wondering if those sea king creatures from One Piece are fish…

**HEIDI**: Who cares? It's all fictional, anyway. And why do you care, you're only watching this anime to write about guy pirates screwing!

**RED**: Hey, Zoro and Sanji are only one of the reasons! It has a great plot!

**WENDY**: I'm sorry, what's that got to do with porpoises? I'm trying to tell you something important!

**ESTHER**: _[deadpan] _Yes, I can see how porpoises being sea mammals is going to change our lives forever.

**ANNIE**: _[shyly] _Um, girls, calm… down.

_[Fiona approaches the table and sits down next to Heidi. There is a moment of silence]_

**HEIDI**: _[frowns] _Who are you?

**FIONA**: Aa'm Fiona. A've bin yer classmate fer quite a while. How d'ye dae? _[She holds out her hand, but Heidi chooses not to shake it]_

**HEIDI**: And… What are you doing?

**FIONA**: Aa'm gaein' tae sit at th' lasses' table frae now ain. Since Aa'm a lass an' all…

**ESTHER**: Yeah, we can see that.

**HEIDI**: Hey, no offence, but we don't know you and you don't know us, so go away, okay?

**WENDY**: _[frowns] _Come on, Heids, give her a break. She's in a whole new country.

**FIONA**: _[nods eagerly] _Aye, cheers, Wendy! Besides, Aa'm really nae a lesbian at all!

**BEBE**: _[raises an eyebrow] _She didn't say you were.

**FIONA**: She didnae? Oh.

**WENDY**: _[after a pause] _Okay, Fiona, we're letting you sit with us until Sally gets better.

**FIONA**: Brilliant!

**HEIDI**: _[folds her arms] _Urgh…

**BEBE**: So, anyone else thinks that Annie's new shoes are super-cute?

**ANNIE**: _[blushes] _Oh, um, thanks… a lot.

**RED**: Where did you buy them?

**ANNIE**: My mom got… them… at Donovan's…

**BEBE**: We should get ourselves these, am I right, girls? How about buying them later today?

**WENDY**: Want to join us, Fiona?

**FIONA**: _[automatically] _Nae, Ah dorn't think sae. Buyin' shoes is a waste o' money. Aah wear me mum's auld ones frae th' time when she wuz a wee lass.

_[The girls exchange glances in silence. Bebe is getting red in the face]_

**BEBE**: _[angrily]_ Buying shoes… a waste of money?!

**RED**: _[wants to change the subject quickly] _Well, let's talk about something else. Hasn't Kenny's ass been getting kinds hot lately? Do you think I'd have a shot with him?

**HEIDI**: Well…

**FIONA**: With Kenny? Nae, I dorn't think ye 're his type. _[the girls all frown at her apart from Annie]_ The lasses A've seen ain his magazines have got a lot bigger tits than ye…

**ESTHER**: _[pinches the bridge of her nose] _Fiona, seri-

**FIONA**: But I think ye'd hae a shot with Clyde. _[points at Esther]_ Frae whit A've heard, he's fond o' Asian lasses.

_[There is a moment of silence. All of the girls glare at Fiona]_

* * *

_[The scene cuts back to the boys' table. Fiona returns, covered in the contents of her school lunch]_

**FIONA**: I hae got nae bleedin' idea whit went wrong!

* * *

_[In the school playground, Kenny, still in disguise, is seen playing football with the other members of Craig's gang. They seem to be getting along just fine. Kyle is observing the whole situation with his arms folded. Butters approaches the Jewish boy]_

**BUTTERS**: Uh, hey, Kyle, what are you thinking about?

**KYLE**: _[with a glimmer of hope in his eyes] _Butters! You must have noticed something!

**BUTTERS**: Aw, gee, wha…?

**KYLE**: Doesn't Token seem a little odd to you today?

**BUTTERS**: W-well, uh, he's got this funny Batman voice, why do you ask?

**KYLE**: No, no, I meant maybe he seems like he's not Token, but someone else?

**BUTTERS**: Aw, hamburgers, you mean Batman's impersonating him? _[looks down, thinking deeply]_

**KYLE**: _[annoyed] _…What?! No! What's Batman got to do with anything? I meant someone our own age!

**BUTTERS**: Uh, you mean Batman's our age? _[turns around, but Kyle is gone] _…Kyle?

* * *

_[Outside Kenny's house. We see Token in disguise, entering through the front door. He puts down his backpack and comes into the shabby kitchen. The rest of the family is at the table already]_

**TOKEN**: _[muffled]_ (Hi, mom, what's for dinner?)

**CAROL**: Well, Kinney, today Ah got a jawb, so Ahm gonna make y'all somethin' special tonight.

**TOKEN**: (Awesome!)

_[Carol gives him a paper plate with five pop-tarts on it]_

**TOKEN**: (Five pop-tarts? Seriously?)

**STUART**: Hey, kid, appreciate this! I worked hard for your mom to buy these!

**CAROL**: You don't even have a jawb, y' drunk piece of shit!

**STUART**: Get off my back, you saggy whore!

**TOKEN**: (Okay, okay! The pop-tarts are great! I'll eat them!) _[he notices his plate is empty] _What the…

**KEVIN**: _[swallowing something and grinning] _Too late, Ken!

* * *

_[Token's home. We see a montage to "I Feel Good" with Kenny enjoying his time in disguise. First, we see him stuffing himself with French Food during dinner while Token's parents stare at him in shock. Then, we move on to Token's room where Kenny is playing video games while a housemaid with a skimpy outfit is feeding him popcorn. Next, we cut to Kenny lying in a bathtub full of coins. Later, we see him riding on an expensive motorbike in the corridor and startling the Blacks' butler, who consequently drops all the plates he has been carrying. Finally, we cut to Token's room again where Kenny is lying on his back Token's bed and watching porn channels. There are weird sounds coming from the TV]_

**KENNY**: Ah… This is paradise…

_[Suddenly, the phone in his room rings. Kenny switches the TV off and picks it up]_

**KENNY**: _[in Mysterion's voice] _Hello?

_[We cut to Token in Kenny's room, hiding under his bed sheet with his hood down]_

**TOKEN**: Kenny? It's, uh, Token!

_[In the background, we hear Carol, Kevin and Stuart's voices, arguing]_

**TOKEN**: Kenny, I don't think this is gonna work out! I can't do this for the whole week! You have to change places now!

_[Back in Token's room, Kenny hesitates for a second, hangs up and switches the TV on again]_

* * *

_**Wielkie dzięki za przeczytanie, mam nadzieję, że rozdział wam się spodobał. Nie mam pojęcia ile kosztują pop-tarts, więc wybrałem na kolację dla McCormicków liczbę tak niemożliwie małą, że aż śmieszną… Przynajmniej mam taką nadzieję. Można uznać ten rozdział też za coś w stylu kryptoreklamy mojej ulubionej mangi, One Piece. Zrobiłem z Red jej fankę i yaoistkę ze względu na to, że często jest parowana z Kevinem… Chciałem w takim razie, żeby też miała jakieś cechy geeka, a yaoi to jedna z rzeczy, które muszę na pewno sparodiować.**_

_**Try to read this note in Polish for the lulz.**_

_**WDC**_


	4. Only Our Kind Can Use the S-word!

_**Hello, I'm Wensleydale Cheddar, head of Cheesydar Productions. I realize I promised you a chapter a week ago and breaking that promise is a tragedy which should have never occurred. And as head of Cheesydar Productions, I would like to say… I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I have passed all my school exams and I'm not in danger of getting thrown out anymore, so the production of TPATP will resume as planned, maybe I'll put up chapter 5 earlier this week.**_

_**My level of gratitude towards Coyote Smith for translating the Portuguese bits can't be measured. Thanks a lot, mate, you're a great deal of help to fanfic writers all over the world and I think that's something you can be proud of.**_

_**SPOILER TIME: By the end of the fic, I will have made three Big Bang Theory references. Whoever answers correctly which, they will get the enormous privilege of being hit on the head. Let the fight begin.**_

_**If I promised to answer some questions about the episode, please remind me, cause I may have forgotten it. Well, I think this author's note has been going on long enough, so let's just get to the fic.**_

* * *

_[The classroom, next day. Wendy is doing some sort of presentation in the background. The two boys are still in their disguises. Token is clearly tired and angry at Kenny]_

**TOKEN**: _[whispering] _(Kenny? Kenny, what the hell?! Why did you hang up last night?)

**KENNY**: _[also whispering] _Why do you think? Cause you were bitching about changing places again. Really, one day in my shoes and you're already breaking? You're a complete pussy!

**TOKEN**: _[glaring at the poor boy] _(I-I…)

**WENDY**: _[turning off the overhead projector]_ …And that concludes my presentation on why porpoises are sea mammals. Not fish. Certainly not fish. No.

**GARRISON**: _[sarcastically] _Fascinating piece of information, Wendy. Does anyone have any questions? Clyde?

**CLYDE**: _[lowers his hand] _Yeah, it's just I always thought porpoises had shells and walked on land. Don't they do that?

**WENDY**: _[glares at him] _No, that's tortoises.

**CLYDE**: Oh. Really?

**WENDY**: I'm pretty sure.

**CLYDE**: So porpoises are mammals and tortoises are fish?

**WENDY**: _[slapping her forehead] _…No, tortoises are reptiles!

**CLYDE**: So which one's the fish, then?

**WENDY**: Oh, you've got to be kidding me! _[walks out of the classroom in frustration]_

* * *

_[The school cafeteria. Kyle, Token and Kenny are standing in the line]_

**KENNY**: Why did you insist on going with us?

**KYLE**: You'll see, guys. You'll see.

**CHEF**: Hello there, children!

**BOYS**: Hey, Chef.

**CHEF**: Well, I'd better give you your lunch. Come along, Kenny! _[Token approaches him and collects his tray] _And you, Token. _[Kenny does the same] _And you, K-

**KYLE**: _[in disbelief] _Wait, wait! So even you don't see anything wrong here?

**CHEF**: Huh? Oh, right… You said something about those lil' crackers, except Token, changing places. No, sorry, children, but you must've been imaginin' things.

**TOKEN**: _[unzipping his mouth, whispering] _Shhh! Chef, don't tell anyone, but it's actually me, Token! And he's Kenny! _[points at Kenny, who waves at Chef]_

**CHEF**: Oooh… Well, good job disguising yourselves, children, I wouldn't have noticed the difference.

**KYLE**: _[in frustration] _Oh, come on!

* * *

_[The scene cuts to Fiona approaching another table. Kevin Stoley, Bradley Biggle, Jimmy and Timmy are sitting on one side and Bill, Fosse with Pip on the other]_

**FIONA**: Awrite, lads. Can Ah sit at yer table?

**PIP**: _[smiling] _Oh, Fiona, jolly good show! Come sit next to me!

**FIONA**: _[raises an eyebrow] _Aw reit, ye bleedin' Sassenach, but ye'd better nae steal me independence or anythin'.

**KEVIN**: _[under his breath] _Stealing's not HIS speciality… _[Bradley nudges him on the shoulder]_ Ow!

**FIONA**: Sae, lads, return tae yer conversation, dorn't lit me bother ya. _[nods and smiles broadly]_

_[The boys stare at her in a moment of silence]_

**KEVIN**: …So anyway, Jimmy, I don't think Thor's hammer is just about the weight. I guess it's the fact that Thor is holding it is making it light.

_[Fiona nods three times and smiles, the boys stare at her]_

**JIMMY**: So that would be some kind w-w-would be some k-kind of sp-pell that makes the hammer soulbound, like in World of Warcraft very much?

_[Fiona nods three times and smiles]_

**BRADLEY**: Well, not necessarily, it could just make it less heavy when Thor's holding it.

_[Fiona nods three times and smiles. The boys seem somewhat distraught.]_

**JIMMY**: But h-how h-heavy could the sp-pell make the hammer if even H-hulk wasn't able to lift it, b-but he could lift Thor along with it?

_[Fiona nods three times and smiles]_

**BRADLEY**: Well, it's possible that when touches the hammer it just becomes… _[to Fiona, who's nodding and smiling again] _Will you stop that? It's becoming really creepy.

**FIONA**: _[bites her lip] _Aa'm only tryin' to be nice.

**KEVIN**: _[thinking about something else] _Try not! Do. Or do not. There is no try.

_[There is a moment of silence]_

**JIMMY**: K-kevin, goddamnit…

_[Terrance Mephesto suddenly approaches the table with his tray]_

**BILL**: Huhuhuhuh, hey, Terrance.

**FOSSE**: Uhuhuhuhuh, you're gay.

**TERRANCE**: _[Puts the tray down and points at Fiona] _What's she doing in my spot?

**FIONA**: Aye, sorry abit 'at, but ye ken whit thay say – first come, first served.

**TERRANCE**: You can't sit here! That's my spot! I sit on my spot!

**BRADLEY**: Just give it up for today, Terry.

**FIONA**: Ah ken… Cooldn't we move Timmy back tae his wheelchair sae 'at he can sit in his spot?

**TERRANCE**: No, you don't understand, Fiona McTeagle.

**KEVIN**: Oh, God, here we go again…

**TERRANCE**: My spot is far enough from the cafeteria not to smell the scent of lunch ingredients, close enough both to the heating and the window to maintain an optimal temperature, but not at a direct angle to the latter to prevent myself from catching a cold.

**FIONA**: Aw reit, aw reit, A'll give ye back yer bleedin' spot!

_[Fiona walks away along with her tray, then comes back after a second]_

**FIONA**: Can Ah sit in Timmy's wheelchair?

**TIMMY**: _[glares at her] _Timmah!

**FIONA**: Aye, aye, just askin'! _[continues to walk away]_

* * *

_[Back in the boys' table, Kyle has already returned with Kenny and Token from Chef]_

**STAN**: _[to Token, who is about to fall asleep in front of his lunch] _Dude, Kenny, are you all right? You look as if you were about to die.

_[Cartman chuckles, Kenny frowns. We see Fiona approaching the table again]_

**FIONA**: Lads, please, cooldn't ye squeeze a bit an' make some ruem fer me? 'At scientist lad chucked me oot o' me seat.

**CARTMAN**: _[stands up, sighs and pats Fiona on the back] _Feehna, how many times do I have to tell yew? You're not welcome hyah. Nobody's gonna let yew sit with them because you're just a big, fat Mary S-

**KYLE**: _[interrupts him]_ Don't say it, Cartman!

**CARTMAN**: _[clears his throat and starts singing] _Er-hem. _WEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLL~!_

**KYLE**: Don't do it, Cartman!

**CARTMAN**: _WEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLL~!_

**KYLE**: I'm warning you!

**CARTMAN**: _[walks away] _Okay, okay…

**FIONA**: Wha- Whit wuz he gonnae dae?

**KYLE**: He was-

**CARTMAN**: _[cuts in, the music starts] WEEEEELL!_

_Feehna's a Sue, she's a Mary Sue,  
She's the biggest Sue in the whole wild world,  
She's a stupid Sue, if there ever was a Sue,  
She's a Sue and she's a stupid turd!_

**FIONA**: _[stunned] _Wha- Aa'm nae a Sue, Aa'm just nae a very well-developed character yet!

**CARTMAN**:

_On Monday she's a Sue, on Tuesday she's a Sue,  
On Wednesday through Saturday she's a Sue,  
Then on Sunday, just to be different,  
She's a ginger, Scottish, dumb self-insert Sue!_

Come on, you all know the words!

_[The whole cafeteria joins in, happily. Fiona bites her lip and Kyle glares at the fat boy]_

**EVERYONE**:

_Have you ever met my friend, Fiona,  
She's the biggest Sue in the whole wide world!_

**CARTMAN**:

_She has shiny hair and color-changing eyes!_

**EVERYONE**:

_She's a Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue!_

_Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue,  
She's a Mary Sue! __(Whoa!)  
Fiona's a Sue and she's just a Mary Sue! (Sue!)_

**CARTMAN**:

_Talk to kids around the world,  
And it might go a little bit something like this:_

**POLISH KIDS**:

_Fiona to Sue, to jest Mary Sue,  
To największa Sue na świecie tym!_

**BRAZILLIAN KIDS**:

_Ela é uma Sue estúpida, se alguma vez houvesse uma Sue,  
Ela é uma Sue e ela é uma bocó estúpida!_

**SPANISH KIDS**:

_El lunes una Sue, el martes una Sue,  
¡Y hasta el sábado es una Sue! _

**MARKLAR KIDS**:

_Then on marklar, just to be marklar,  
Marklar, marklar-marklar Sue._

**EVERYONE**:

_Have you ever met my friend, Fiona,  
She's the biggest Sue in the whole wide world!  
__She has shiny hair and color-changing eyes!  
__She's a Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue!_

_Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue,  
She's a Mary Sue! __(Whoa!)  
Fiona's a Sue and she's just a Mary Sue! (Sue!)_

**CARTMAN**:

_I really mean it, Feehna…  
She's a big, fat, Mary Suuuuuuuuuuueeee!  
You're a ginger Sue, Feeehna!  
Yeah, chah!_

**TIMMY**: Timmah!

* * *

_[The school bell rings and all the students exit South Park Elementary. Only Kyle stays inside, heading down the corridor for some reason. Back outside, Wendy, followed by Bebe, is pinning up a poster saying "Porpoises are sea mammals" on a wooden fence]_

**BEBE**: Wendy, aren't you taking this a little too far? Maybe the truth isn't as important as what everyone thinks.

**WENDY**: It is, Bebe. I'm gonna teach everyone the truth even if it's the last thing I'm gonna do!

**BARBRADY**: _[approaches the two girls and reads the poster] _Hey, I always thought they were fish!

**WENDY**: _[closes her eyes in a rage] _Aaaaargh! _[jumps on top of Barbrady and starts beating him up. Bebe slowly withdraws]_

* * *

_[Afternoon, Token's house. Kenny walks in through the front door. He finds himself standing in front of Token's parents. There is a moment of silence._

**KENNY**: _[in Mysterion's voice] _Can I help you?

**LINDA BLACK**: Token, your father and I are very worried about your behavior last night. You did a lot of damage to our home, we're beginning to think there's something wrong at school.

**KENNY**: Um, no, everything's fine. Yeah, sorry about that time, but you can afford to make it right, huh?

**STEVE BLACK**: Now stop it right there, son. We're having an important visitor tonight and we can't afford it to go wrong, so your mother is going to make sure you behave properly.

**KENNY**: Wait… What do you mean? _[raises an eyebrow]_

* * *

_[Fiona's home. We see her father, Walter Darling, taking a sip from his cup of afternoon tea and watching TV. __The scene cuts to a TV logo saying "Jesus and Pals" with "Jesus" crossed out and "St. Peter" written instead]_

**ANCHOR**: And now back to… St. Peter and Pals.

**ST. PETER**: I have with me in the studio tonight a young girl who said she would like to announce something to the world. Wendy…

**WENDY**: _[grabs the microphone] _Yes, thank you, Peter. _[to the camera] _Okay, people, now I want every viewer of this program to listen and remember this – PORPOISES ARE MAMMALS! You got that?

**ST. PETER**: Huh, I always thought they were fish.

**WENDY**: We've had enough of that reaction! Jesus Christ, you're supposed to be a fisherman, Peter, you should know these things!

**ST. PETER**: Hey, I'm a gate-keeper now!

**WENDY**: That doesn't matter!

_[The scene cuts back to Fiona's bungalow. Suddenly, Fiona opens the front door, annoyed. She looks at her father, who continues to watch the programme, completely unfazed]_

**FIONA**: Hello, dad!

**WALTER**: Mmm…

**FIONA**: How wuz me day? Weel, awful! Ah had tae eat me lunch in the hall because naebody woods lit me hae a seat in th' cafeteria!

**WALTER**: _[not paying attention] _Oh, I know…

**FIONA**: But A've got a plan! Tomorrae, thay're aw gaein' tae feel sorry fer whit thay did tae me!

**WALTER**: Yes, I know…

**FIONA**: If Ah can't sit doon, naebody will! Muhahahahahahahah! _[continues her demonical laughter while running straight to her room and slamming her door]_

**WALTER**: _[sighs and takes off his monocle] _Why can't I have a normal, fashion-obsessed, spoilt, pregnant daughter like everyone else?

* * *

_[We cut to Token's dining room. We see Kenny sitting at the dining table in formal attire. Mrs. Black is standing behind him and constantly correcting him]_

**LINDA**: Sit up, Token! Stop slouching! And hands off the table! Hands off, I said! The fork goes in the left hand! And when pouring red wine, you incline the glass towards the bottle so that it goes on the side! No, the opposite with white wine!

_[While Token's mother continues her rant, Kenny rolls his eyes and sighs]_

**KENNY**: _[to himself, quietly, in his normal voice] _This was not a good idea…

* * *

_**Nothing to really talk about except Jesus and Pals had to be changed cause, well, Jesus died in-universe, so him still having his talk show would't make… would make even less sense than before. I chose that programme for Wendy's global rant about porpoises, because I wasn't familiar and wouldn't be so comfortable with real-life American talk shows. So St. Peter**_

_**So, SP's season 17 is over. Did you like it better than the last one? I'd like to say I did. The stories were better, we didn't have to suffer a couple of shitty episodes to get to the good ones and most of all, the characterization and continuity improved. Less workload made Trey and Matt focus more on quality and the production of The Stick of Truth made them focus of the topography and organizing the universe of South Park. They show they know who is who although they keep changing names (Annie Nelson? What the fuck?), but on the other hand, Tweek and Wendy got a lot more dialogue, which is awesome.**_

_**Be sure to write your opinions on the South Park Land forum, they also have a top ten episodes thread, try ranking this season's episodes, it's definitely worth checking out. Just reminding you, the link is on my profile. And if you'd like to read my reviews of this season's episodes, you can always check the South Park Aargh forum.**_

_**As usual, thanks for reading and please leave a review.**_

_**WDC**_


	5. Soft Pussy, Warm Pussy

_**I should have really researched what pop-tarts were back in chapter 3. I found out what they were after watching NC's commercials review. "What's so hot it's cool? What's so cool it's hot?" "Pop-" "IT'S NOT POP-TARTS!" Eh, I'm not even sure if I am spelling that right.**_

_**Well some of you got SOME of the BBT references right, but not all of them… which is to be expected as the fic's not over yet. By the way, I'm sorry, I know I promised you two chapters this week, but instead, you will get the last one on Christmas Eve. Hah, isn't that cool? A holiday special, I knew this was the best way to attract reviewers… Soon, all will tremble before the popularity of South Park A- …wait, am I still writing this?**_

* * *

_[Early evening, the school corridor outside Mackey's office. We can hear voices coming out of the room]_

**KYLE'S VOICE**: Oh, come on! Even you haven't noticed?!

**MACKEY'S VOICE**: I'm not quite following you, m'kay?

**KYLE**: Oh, forget it! _[storms out of the room]_

_[Meanwhile, Fiona is trying her best to be unnoticed further in the corridor while dragging a large bag on the floor]_

**KYLE**:Fiona? What are you doing here? Restroom, now!

_[Fiona is startled, but follows Kyle along with her bag. They finally enter the boys' bathroom]_

**FIONA**: Ooh, dear… Whit hae Ah dain thes time? Now, befair ye say anythin', thes bag's definitely nae filled wi' arsenic!

**KYLE**: No, no, I was going to ask you if you saw anything wrong with Kenny and To- …ARSENIC?!

**FIONA**: Aye. Ah mean, nae! Nae arsenic at aw! An' Ah certainly dorn't mean tae poison aw th' lads wi' it sae A've got someplace tae sit ain!

**KYLE**: _[sighs] _…Okay. Now, coming back to Token and Kenny?

**FIONA**: Well, thay're both ill, fer a start.

**KYLE**: And nothing more? Really?

**FIONA**: Aye, aye, aw reit! I wanted tae poison 'em, Ah confess!

_[Kyle pinches the bridge of his nose]_

**KYLE**: Fiona, just put the arsenic back where it came from and get out of my sight!

**FIONA**: _[panicking] _Who said it wuz arsenic? It… it's only… heroine?

_[Beat. Kyle glares at Fiona for two seconds, then rolls his eyes, grunts and walks out of the bathroom]_

**FIONA**: Why dae ye keep walkin' away when Aa'm talkin' tae ya? _[follows him]_

* * *

_[The McCormick residence, Kenny's room. We hear Stuart and Carol shouting in the background. Token is trying to block the sound with his pillow, but to no avail]_

**TOKEN**: Jesus Christ…

_[Someone suddenly knocks on his door. Token quickly pulls his hood up]_

**KAREN**: Um, Kenny, can I come in? _[enters]_

**TOKEN**: _[unsure] _(Uh… yeah, sure.)

**KAREN**: I couldn't sleep, you know?

**TOKEN**: _[sarcastically] _(No, really?) _[listens to the shouting for a second] _(Do they always do that?)

**KAREN**: Yeah, f'course they do. Don't you live here?

**TOKEN**: _[nervously] _(Uh, yeah, you've got a point. So, what do you want?)

**KAREN**: Sing "Soft Kitty" to me.

**TOKEN**: (What?)

**KAREN**: You know, like you always do when mom and dad are yelling at night…

**TOKEN**: (Oh. I thought that was only for when you're sick.)

**KAREN**: Why?

**TOKEN**: _[shrugs] _(I don't know. I just did.)

**KAREN**: Oh. _[lies down on Kenny's bed] _Well, scared is kind of sick.

**TOKEN**: (Okay, okay, I'll sing it for you. How did it go again?

_Soft kitty, warm kitty,  
Little ball of fur.  
Happy kitty, sleepy kitty,  
Purr, purr, purr.)_

_[There is a moment of silence]_

**KAREN**: Again.

**TOKEN**: (Ah. Okay.

_Soft kitty, warm kitty,  
Little ball of fur.  
Happy kitty, sleepy kitty,  
Purr, purr, purr.)_

**KAREN**: …Again.

**TOKEN**: _[a bit irritated]_

_(Soft kitty, warm kitty,  
Little ball of fur.  
Happy kitty, sleepy kitty,  
Purr, purr, purr._

_Soft kitty, warm-)_

_[He sees that Karen's fallen asleep, sighs in relief]_

**TOKEN**: (Wait, where the fuck am I supposed to sleep now?)

* * *

_[The Blacks' dining room again. Kenny, Token's parents and their visitor, Judge Moses, are sitting at the table, the poor boy anxiously anticipating food]_

**BUTLER**: Dinner is served.

**KENNY**: Finally! I'm starving!

_[The servants bring in small plates with tiny amounts of caviar]_

**KENNY**: Wait, what the hell's this? It looks like it was processed already!

**LINDA**: Token, manners!

**STEVE**: What's the matter, son? You love caviar!

**KENNY**: _[tastes] _And that's all you've got? No side-dishes or anything?

**STEVE**: Let's stop talking about something as trivial as food. Our guest was very interested in seeing how much you know about our judiciary system.

**KENNY**: _[opens his mouth] _Huh? Judiciary system?

**JUDGE**: Your father told me you are going to become a lawyer, like him, when you get older. So tell me, what specialization were you thinking about?

_[Kenny looks around, unsure]_

* * *

_[Kenny's room, late at night. Token is lying on Kenny's bed next to Karen, who's fast asleep. Token is trying to sleep, but his belly rumbling is keeping him awake]_

**TOKEN**: (Goddamnit…) _[Stands up and walks out of the room]_

_[We cut to the kitchen. We see Token, unhooded, walking carefully towards the fridge. He opens it and sees four bags of cheap crisps of some sort. He looks around and takes them out. Then, he opens one, slowly grabs a handful of crisps and eats them, trying not to make too much noise. He eats another handful. Then another]_

**TOKEN**: Oh my God, it's so good… _[while eating another one]_

_[Soon, he opens another bag and starts devouring the contents, no matter how much noise he makes]_

* * *

_[The scene cuts to Kenny in Token's kitchen, in a similar situation. We see the poor boy eating all the food in the Blacks' fridge, one morsel after another]_

**KENNY**: Oh, God, I was so hungry…

_[He continues to eat until the scene suddenly fades to black]_

* * *

_[Next morning, outside the McCormicks' residence. We suddenly hear Carol's voice, shrieking]_

**CAROL**: Aaaaaaaaah!

_[The scene cuts to the kitchen. We see the McCormick family gathered in there. Carol is on her knees, staring at the empty fridge in silence]_

**STUART**: What happened?

**CAROL**: Someone just ate… all our crisps!

_[Token looks down with a guilty look on his face]_

**KAREN**: Oh no!

**KEVIN**: Who did this?

**TOKEN**: _[unsure] _(Uh… I did it.)

_[Everyone is shocked]_

**KAREN**: What?

**CAROL**: Kinney, why would you do such a thin'?

**TOKEN**: _[shrugs nervously] _(Well… It's not really that big of a deal, is it? Can't we just go and buy some more?

**STUART**: How are we supposed to buy some more? We're broke and it was our two months' worth of food! _[Carol starts to cry, Stuart embraces her]_

**TOKEN**: _[frowns] _(Seriously? Two months? You… we usually eat four bags of crisps each two months? I know we're poor, but Jesus Christ, there's got to be some limits!)

**STUART**: Hey, don't be such a smartass, kid! We worked hard to get you these!

**TOKEN**: (Worked hard? It that a joke?! You don't even bother looking for a job and instead you make Kenny's… my mom do all the work! Not to mention that both of you regularly waste your money on alcohol and pot! I mean, what the hell is wrong with you?! You see me, Karen and…) _[he stares at Kevin in silence]_(…You see your children starve every day and you do nothing to change yourself!)

**STUART**: Don't tell me how to live my life, you son of a bitch! _[He punches Token. The rich boy retaliates. Soon, Kevin and Carol join the fight while Karen just stands there, scared]_

_[Suddenly, someone knocks on the door. everyone freezes. Karen opens the door and we see Stan waiting outside]_

**STAN**: _[to Karen] _Oh, hey, dude. Is your brother there?

**TOKEN**: _[trying to hide his black eye (no pun intended)] _Hey, Stan, why are you here this early?

**STAN**: _[unfazed] _I just came to tell you there's no school today. Token died last night, so there's gonna be a funeral at noon. _[walks away]_

_[There is a moment of silence. Token is looking at Stan go, open-mouthed]_

**TOKEN**: …What?!

* * *

_**Oh yes, I di-id! This marks the third death of Kenny in South Park Aargh. And without the use of the catchphrase! How classy is that? Back to the countdown, I think there was one in "Fiona" and another in "Bloody Kleptomania", but he got away in "The Other Fourth Grade" and "People Spouting Howdy Neighbour".**_

_**Everyone was asking me about the Blacks' visitor... Yeah... It was nobody special, just Judge Moses... It's strange I didn't even realise how much of a build-up that one line could get.**_

_**Nobody knows Kevin McCormick. Well, at least nobody really cares about him, unless it's John, Sporks or another McCormick die-hard fan. I know I should write something more satisfying, but TPATP is probably the most attention Kenny's family is ever going to get in South Park Aargh. Why's that? Because starting from Season 10, I'm going to try concentrating on the kids more. I especially wanted to bring the 4**__**th**__** grade girls to the spotlight and that can only be done by making my series more SP Elementary-oriented. So, sorry, Randy, but you're probably gonna appear less and less.**_

_**But wow, Randy only got one episode in Season 17… That's kind of a shock. Though Stan got none and I was pretty disappointed. I'm going off at a tangent again. Heh, still love that expression, Ama. See y'all on Christmas Eve, I'm sure you'll be sneaking from your families to read my fic. Yep, I agree, they don't understand you, you gotta have priorities, don't you?**_

_**I'm becoming a smug asshole, now I understand why I'm living in the most polluted city in Poland.**_

_**WDC**_


	6. Crappy Analogies Are Crappy

_**And finally, we move on to our Christmas special final chapter. Well, there isn't exactly anything about Christmas here… And anyone from the future who might not read it during the holidays might be a little confused… Uh, look isn't that a demonic duck of some sort? Merry Christmas.**_

* * *

_[The scene cuts to a funeral in the South Park Cemetery. We see a tombstone with "Token Black" written on it and with a picture of Kenny in disguise with a pineapple in his mouth below in a flowery frame. The funeral march is being played by an organist in the background. We see a close-up of Token's guilty face, with Kenny's dad holding his shoulder and Carol crying while embracing Stuart. We cut to father Maxi scattering ash all over the grave]_

**MAXI**: And so, we all say goodbye to our little boy and cherished friend, Token Black, who died of indigestion.

_[Maxi continues to talk in the background while we cut to Carol crying on Stuart's shoulder again. Token looks up and opens his mouth]_

**CAROL**: _[sobs] _Oh, Kinney! …Ah-ah mean, it's so good you're alive! _[continues to cry]_

**STUART**: There, there, woman. _[pats her on the back]_

**KYLE**: _[whispers to Token] _Dude! You have to tell them you're alive!

**TOKEN**: _[also whispers in a muffled voice] _(I can't! Look at how devastated they are!)

**KYLE**: It's your parents who are devastated! Shouldn't you worry about them?

**FIONA**: Ho ye!_ [shoving her way through the seats]_

**KYLE**: _[frowns] _What are you doing?

**FIONA**: Aa'm daein' whit A've been daein' fer th' last few days, tryin' tae find a bleedin' seat!

**KYLE**: Goddamnit, Fiona, this is a funeral! There are no seats here, just go away and stop being insensitive! _[points suggestively at Kenny's parents]_

**FIONA**: Aa'm bein' insensitive? _[looks at them] _Someain's bein' oversensitive, if ye ask me… I mean, it's nae like their lad got killed, reit, Kenny?

_[Token looks down. Carol bursts in tears again. Kyle and Stuart glare at the Scottish girl]_

**FIONA**: _[after a pause] _I can't say anythin' reit, can I?

_[The scene cuts back to Maxi, who has just finished talking]_

**MAXI**: And now we will hear a few words from Token's ex-girlfriend who would like to make a final speech for her beloved one.

_[Wendy takes Maxi's place beside the grave]_

**WENDY**: Thank you, father Maxi. I'm sure Token was an important part of everyone's lives here.

_[We see Cartman yawning]_

**WENDY**: He was a brave boy who smiled even when the worse struck him… And that's exactly why I'm going to take a few minutes of your time to talk about porpoises. You see, what's so important about them is that they are, in fact, not fish, but mammals. _[Butters's dad raises his hand] _Yes, Mr. Stotch?

**STEPHEN**: I always thought they were fish.

**WENDY**:_ [at the peak of her frustration] _No, no, no, they aren't fish! How can you people be so stupid? Porpoises aren't fish, and they aren't tortoises, either! Okay, they sound practically the same, they should be treated equally, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't notice that they're members of completely different species!

_[The townspeople look down with a guilty look on their faces]_

**FIONA**: _[suddenly takes the microphone] _Aye, I agree! An' whit's more, it's a disgrace 'at even at a funeral hare in America _[Walter spits] _ye can't find a bleedin' seat! Somethin' must be done abit it!

**WENDY**: …Thank you, Fiona, that really had a lot to do with what I just said.

_[Kyle's dad stands up]_

**GERALD**: You know, the girl's right. I'm sorry, Sheila, everyone, but I just can't pretend anymore. Call me racist, but the boy in the grave is not Token Black, but Kenny McCormick.

**TOKEN**: Huh? _[Opens his mouth]_

**WALTER**: _[also stands up] _Hear, hear, Gerald! If being tolerant means not noticing that races exist, then I'd prefer to be called racist.

**MRS. TESTABURGER**: No, don't you see it? My daughter is saying that you should be called racist only if you treat people differently because of their race and not if you see that someone is black or white! Martin Luther King's dream was that people would be JUDGED by the contents of their character, not that diversity would disappear! Therefore, the fact that these two little boys changed places should have been noticed a long time ago, right, Wendy?

**WENDY**: I… was just talking about porpoises.

**KYLE**: Hah! _[to Cartman] _You see, fatass? I wasn't racist after all!

**CHEF**: Yeah! Now you little crackers remember there's a difference between being racist and not noticing races altogether.

**GARRISON**: And it's also true that there aren't enough seats here.

**STAN**: …Yeah.

* * *

_[The funeral reception seems to be over. Token, who is now in his usual clothes, is reunited with his parents]_

**STEVE BLACK**: Come on, Token, let's go home. You look a bit pale, and we sure don't want to pay for another funeral. _[laughs along with his wife]_

**TOKEN**: _[looks away, blinks and looks back at his father] _Can I just say goodbye to someone real quick? I'll be back in a sec.

_[Token approaches the McCormicks, who are sitting opposite Kenny's brand new grave. He silently inserts some hundred-dollar bills in Stuart's back pocket, backs up a few steps and starts speaking]_

**TOKEN**: You guys… _[The McCormicks turn around] _I wanted to say I'm sorry. Me and Kenny both wanted to try out a new environment we weren't familiar with, so we were surprised things turned out bad. I just wanted to say that no matter what I said about you before, I had a great time with you all.

_[He walks away, leaving the three eldest McCormicks open-mouthed. Karen follows him shyly and pulls his sleeve. Token turns around. She kisses him on the cheek]_

**KAREN**: Thank you for singing to me, fake brother.

_[She smiles and walks away quickly. Token returns the smile]_

* * *

_[The scene cuts to the school cafeteria the next morning. Cartman, Stan and Kyle and an unknown girl are sitting on one side of the boys' table and Craig, Clyde, Token and Butters on the other]_

**STAN**: Well, I'm sure glad that's over with.

**BUTTERS**: Uh, it's a pity about Kenny, though.

**CARTMAN**: He stuffed himself to death, Butters. One might say he died happily.

**GIRL IN BROWN COAT AND PINK HAT**: Exactly!

_[A moment of silence. Everyone stares at the girl sitting next to]_

**CARTMAN**: …Just who the fuck are you supposed to be?

**GIRL IN BROWN COAT AND PINK HAT**: I'm Annabelle! You know, Stan's twin sister?

**STAN**: _[raises an eyebrow] _What, another one?

**CARTMAN**: Oh-oh, Sue alert! SUE ALERT!

**ANNABELLE**: Hey, I'm not! I have a good backstory! I spent a lot of time in an asylum! I'm biased against poor people!

**CARTMAN**: Nobody's falling for your tricks, dirty Sue! Get the fuck out of here!

**CLYDE**: Yeah, what kind of name is Annabelle anyway?

**ANNABELLE**: Well, my Christian name is Anna and my-

**CARTMAN**: GO BACK TO YOUR OWN SERIES, GOD-DAMMIT!

_[Annabelle looks down and walks away. Cartman bites a morsel of his lunch]_

**CARTMAN**: God, Sue people piss me off…

_[Finally, Fiona approaches the table with her tray and something else in her hand]_

**CARTMAN**: Speaking of the devil…

**KYLE**: What's that, Fiona?

**FIONA**: It's a collapsible chair, lads! It's brilliant! _[sets it up] _Now, Ah can sit whaurever Ah loch an' Ah dorn't hae tae ask anybody's permission!

**TOKEN**: You needn't have done that. Now that Kenny's dead, you could sit in his spot.

**FIONA**: _[frowns] _Efter aw th' trooble A've bin through, A've now got a seat? Ah hud tae spend a load ain thes! _[points at her chair] _Why couldnae Ah geit a seat before when Ah wanted it?

**CARTMAN**: Well, Feehna, philosopher Jagger once said "You can't always get what you want".

**STAN**: Are you going to sit down or not?

**FIONA**: Ooh, aye, Ah won't refuse… Well, Ah 'hink A've learnt somethin' taeday, lads. If ye want tae sit doon, sometimes ye micht hae tae kill a friend.

**JIMMY**: H-hey, f-fellas, can I sit down?

**CARTMAN**: Sure.

_[Jimmy sits down on Kenny's seat. Fiona opens her mouth, then closes it, then opens it again, grits her teeth and screams in frustration]_

**FIONA**: AAAAAARGH!

* * *

_[The ending credits, accompanied by 'Allo 'Allo! theme music, roll._

_YOU HAVE BEEN WATCHING:_

_ERIC CARTMAN  
STAN MARSH  
KYLE BROFLOVSKI  
BUTTERS STOTCH_

_RANDY MARSH  
WENDY TESTABURGER  
JIMMY VALMER  
FIONA MCTEAGLE_

_TOKEN BLACK  
BEBE STEVENS  
HERBERT GARRISON  
CRAIG TUCKER_

_CLYDE DONOVAN  
JASON MCHUGH  
CHEF MCELROY  
PIP PIRRUP_

_RED TUCKER  
HEIDI TURNER  
ESTHER STOLEY  
ANNIE FAULK_

_CAROL MCCORMICK  
STUART MCCORMICK  
KAREN MCCORMICK  
KEVIN MCCORMICK_

_KEVIN STOLEY  
TIMMY BURCH  
BRADLEY BIGGLE  
TERRANCE MEPHESTO_

_STEVE BLACK  
LINDA BLACK  
WALTER DARLING  
JAIME VENEZUELA_

_GEORGE BARBRADY  
GERALD BROFLOVSKI  
STEPHEN STOTCH  
FATHER MAXI_

_EMMET MACKEY  
DEBORAH TESTABURGER  
BILL ALLEN  
FOSSE MCDONALD  
ANNABELLE MARSH_

_And KENNY MCCORMICK_

_Written by WENSLEYDALE CHEDDAR_

_Created by TREY PARKER, MATT STONE_

_Edited by WENSLEYDALE CHEDDAR_

_Images drawn by WENSLEYDALE CHEDDAR_

_Songs used:  
"Feehna's a Sue" by WENSLEYDALE CHEDDAR, based on "Kyle's Mom's a Bitch" by ERIC CARTMAN  
South Park Title Theme by PRIMUS_

_Special thanks to:  
AMANDA NOSEBRIDGEPINCH  
JOHN-SP150  
COYOTE SMITH  
DOINGYOURMOM  
RHI RHI_  
_GRANT  
NWT  
IHATEMARYSUESSOOOOOMUCH  
DEATHNSPIKES  
DEMONLORD5000  
EPICPENGUIN13  
and other reviewers and contributors]_

* * *

_**There. Yup, apparently you can die of indigestion, now. If not, I'm sure Coyote will correct me. As for the BBT reference contest, I'll reply how you did to each one of you who participated. What was the reward again? I hope nothing, 'cause I'm exhausted. I hope you liked your OC's cameo, Demonlord. I'm sorry if you didn't like it, but you know how OC's are treated in my fics. Played for laughs, especially if they don't fit my headcanon. I couldn't resist the Pip joke.**_

_**I'm sorry to say, but this is the last fic of mine you're going to see this year… Not that it's saying a lot. But really, South Park Aargh will be taking several months worth of hiatus. I've got a difficult season before me and I've got to really plan things out and write those three fics as best as I can. Join the South Park Aargh forum to voice all your predictions and wait patiently for the promo pictures and the episode announcements.**_

_**But that doesn't mean I'm gonna leave this site, no. I will probably find more time to review stuff and contribute in the South Park Land board. Oh, I probably should let you know I've started a little side project on my forum called WDC's Reviews, where I mostly review SP episodes and (yet to come) badly written fanfiction for the lulz. Of course, requests are always welcome.**_

_**And with all of this, I wish you happy holidays and... see you in a few months!**_

_**WDC (Although I just realised my initials are really just WC)**_


End file.
